Rudolph has every right to be angry


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a tale of alienation, ostracism, and the poor value-based society that we live in. Rudolph was constantly shunned, maligned, harassed and excluded from any and all reindeer games. Perpetually haunted by the fact that his nose was shiny (you could even say it glows), like a luminescent Frankenstein monster. In fact, he was a freak of nature exploited by this shady-ass parcel delivery service run by Santa Claus. The whole thing seems unregistered and illegal. And where the hell did he get all of these toys? And who gave him the right to enter your home?

And let’s not even get into the labor issues surrounding these reindeer. True they only work one day a year, but it’s for a multi-billion-dollar industry. Where’s the profit sharing? Where are the benefits? Where’s the time and a half for working on federal holiday? Hay?! Come on, man. But I digress.

Rudolph was only celebrated after he bailed out all of the myopic, rude, silly f**ks that made fun of him for his entire life. And Rudolph seemed okay with this? We’re talking about some serious PTSD, and years of therapy for our little red nosed hero. Bets are on that he avenges his childhood, with a semi-automatic someday. Yippe kia yay, mozzerfocka!

Rudolph was a game. He was, from that point on, A-One, the leader, an instant Alpha among deer that could be reined in. Congrats. Or something . . .

King of the deer turd heap.

Best Version: The Temptations

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